Friday, September 5, 2014

Fridays Gift

I made the mistake (or maybe it wasn't in this case) of falling back asleep after I had woken up this morning.

I was groggy and stumbled into the shower. As I stepped out, I instantly remembered a dream I had just had in that 45 minute period of extra sleep.

I don't recall the circumstances, what we looked like or any of the details other than I had looked up and seen my sister.

I ran so fast at her and hugged her so hard she almost fell over backwards.

Then she laughed.

That's it.  That's all I remember.

This was the first dream I have had of my sister since she died. I'm grateful for that tender mercy on a bookmark Friday.

It's hard to choke out without getting emotional, but I want it written down so I don't ever forget.

"You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming?  That's where I'll always love you." - Tinker Bell

 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Changes

The past six months have been full of significant changes in our lives.

Today was no exception.

Our oldest started high school (at the same school his dad went to) and our youngest went back to his school that construction was finally completed on after burning down in February of 2013.

 
JR's 15th Birthday 8/30 - Airsoft in Portland

JR's Friday Jamboree (vs his dad's team)

Snapping

Jackson's First day at Bus Stop

 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

I Disagree

I have really put off posting on here. Sometimes I feel like I need a blog for my life and another blog for my feelings. Those two things don't necessarily go hand in hand.

I disagree with the fact that this will get better in time. For me, it will never get better. I just have to change and adjust.

A friend at church lost her sweet son who was around the same age as my sister. I find comfort in her. I don't have to explain anything or even say anything because she just gets it and sometimes that is exactly what I need.

I lost my sister on a Friday and I find myself measuring in Fridays. I'm trying to find pleasure in the little things that come along. My sister left me an antique Coke cooler. It's rough and I finally put it in our bedroom on a small table I found at an antique store. I am using it to store keepsakes of her in. My sweet cousin texted me to show me what she had found at the gas station and randomly grabbed. That was last Friday. It made me smile as if my sister was glad where I had put that Coke cooler she loved.


I was looking through some papers tonight and came across this letter.  My sister said "I love you very mush and I wish you didn't hat to go to college."  I feel like wise.  I love her very mush and wish she didn't hat to go away either.



We went on a week long family vacation to the Oregon Coast and stayed in an amazing ocean front home.  I have included some photos below of our amazing trip.










Saturday, May 17, 2014

15 Days Later

Yesterday was two weeks and some times I feel like it has been two days.

Some days or hours I'm fine and some days I have to fake myself out to believe I'm fine.

I think/hope/wonder if it's normal for your brain to go back through everything, replaying it over and over in your head.  Then I tell myself you don't have to do that because it doesn't matter. It's done.

The yucky part is over. Then I think part of the yucky part is that she's just not here.  I don't need or want her to be here going through any of those things to make myself feel better, but it's still hard to get your heart to believe what your brain is trying to tell it.

Growing up, I never would have thought I would lose my little sister in her 20s.

I tell my mom she just snuck on out of here......and I don't like it.  This is much harder for me than I ever expected.
   

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Pretty in Pink

I have had several people ask what they can do to help.

Prayers are much appreciated and they sustain us so much right now.

In addition, I have set up a You Caring page to help cover Megan's burial expenses.

http://www.youcaring.com/memorial-fundraiser/little-miss-megan-pretty-in-pink/173820

 

Friday, May 2, 2014

Little Miss Megan

I lost my little sister today.

Last night she gave me 11 pieces of notebook paper.  Each line of the paper contained one of her favorite songs in her pink handwriting. She loved music.  It brought comfort to her.  In those last moments, I wanted to give her any comfort I possibly could.

My mom and the doctors were outside the room discussing the plan.  I was cuddling and loving her and she slipped away.  "Just she and I together, like it was meant to be"

I was trying to find anything to give her comfort in those last moments.  I hit shuffle on my phone and this song by Sarah McLachlan from Page 3 of Megan's list played in the room softly.  This will forever be my song when I think of my sister.

When She Loved Me

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy, so was I, when she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by, I stayed the same
And she began to drift away, I was left alone
Still I waited for the day, when she’d say "I will always love you."

Lonely and forgotten, never thought she’d look my way,
She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do,
Like she loved me, when she loved me

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart

When she loved me.
 

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Joe Cool

I am the oldest in my family. I was fortunate enough however to grow up with two uncles who are close to my age, so they were more like big brothers.

They would tell you when you were wearing too much makeup, get mad at you for reading out loud and one of my favorites was when they broke something in the living room because they were throwing a football in the house when they shouldn't have been...and tried to blame me. There one was a pine cone fight in the backyard with neighborhood kids that turned into some kind of fiasco or another. I also remember him on the sidelines of my soccer games cheering me on.......and encouraging a red card!

Monday I found out that my sweet and amazingly artistically talented uncle Joe passed away very unexpectedly.  He was only 46 years old and leaves behind a wife and 3 young children.

I'm grateful for the many wonderful memories I have of him. It makes me smile that he was able to see his Seahawks win a Superbowl.

Though I wish he didn't have to leave behind his beloved family, it gives me great comfort to know he will be there to welcome my little sister home after this long fight with leukemia.

Just being the Joe Cool uncle that he has always been and will always continue to be.










There was as sweet tribute posted by his friend and colleague in North Dakota that made me smile (and cry) today.

His artwork can be seen at http://joeljonientz.com/

Most importantly, his family can be helped through the following link:
http://www.youcaring.com/memorial-fundraiser/in-memory-of-joel-help-support-his-family/170269