Sunday, July 20, 2014

I Disagree

I have really put off posting on here. Sometimes I feel like I need a blog for my life and another blog for my feelings. Those two things don't necessarily go hand in hand.

I disagree with the fact that this will get better in time. For me, it will never get better. I just have to change and adjust.

A friend at church lost her sweet son who was around the same age as my sister. I find comfort in her. I don't have to explain anything or even say anything because she just gets it and sometimes that is exactly what I need.

I lost my sister on a Friday and I find myself measuring in Fridays. I'm trying to find pleasure in the little things that come along. My sister left me an antique Coke cooler. It's rough and I finally put it in our bedroom on a small table I found at an antique store. I am using it to store keepsakes of her in. My sweet cousin texted me to show me what she had found at the gas station and randomly grabbed. That was last Friday. It made me smile as if my sister was glad where I had put that Coke cooler she loved.

I was looking through some papers tonight and came across this letter.  My sister said "I love you very mush and I wish you didn't hat to go to college."  I feel like wise.  I love her very mush and wish she didn't hat to go away either.

We went on a week long family vacation to the Oregon Coast and stayed in an amazing ocean front home.  I have included some photos below of our amazing trip.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

15 Days Later

Yesterday was two weeks and some times I feel like it has been two days.

Some days or hours I'm fine and some days I have to fake myself out to believe I'm fine.

I think/hope/wonder if it's normal for your brain to go back through everything, replaying it over and over in your head.  Then I tell myself you don't have to do that because it doesn't matter. It's done.

The yucky part is over. Then I think part of the yucky part is that she's just not here.  I don't need or want her to be here going through any of those things to make myself feel better, but it's still hard to get your heart to believe what your brain is trying to tell it.

Growing up, I never would have thought I would lose my little sister in her 20s.

I tell my mom she just snuck on out of here......and I don't like it.  This is much harder for me than I ever expected.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Pretty in Pink

I have had several people ask what they can do to help.

Prayers are much appreciated and they sustain us so much right now.

In addition, I have set up a You Caring page to help cover Megan's burial expenses.


Friday, May 2, 2014

Little Miss Megan

I lost my little sister today.

Last night she gave me 11 pieces of notebook paper.  Each line of the paper contained one of her favorite songs in her pink handwriting. She loved music.  It brought comfort to her.  In those last moments, I wanted to give her any comfort I possibly could.

My mom and the doctors were outside the room discussing the plan.  I was cuddling and loving her and she slipped away.  "Just she and I together, like it was meant to be"

I was trying to find anything to give her comfort in those last moments.  I hit shuffle on my phone and this song by Sarah McLachlan from Page 3 of Megan's list played in the room softly.  This will forever be my song when I think of my sister.

When She Loved Me

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy, so was I, when she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by, I stayed the same
And she began to drift away, I was left alone
Still I waited for the day, when she’d say "I will always love you."

Lonely and forgotten, never thought she’d look my way,
She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do,
Like she loved me, when she loved me

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart

When she loved me.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Joe Cool

I am the oldest in my family. I was fortunate enough however to grow up with two uncles who are close to my age, so they were more like big brothers.

They would tell you when you were wearing too much makeup, get mad at you for reading out loud and one of my favorites was when they broke something in the living room because they were throwing a football in the house when they shouldn't have been...and tried to blame me. There one was a pine cone fight in the backyard with neighborhood kids that turned into some kind of fiasco or another. I also remember him on the sidelines of my soccer games cheering me on.......and encouraging a red card!

Monday I found out that my sweet and amazingly artistically talented uncle Joe passed away very unexpectedly.  He was only 46 years old and leaves behind a wife and 3 young children.

I'm grateful for the many wonderful memories I have of him. It makes me smile that he was able to see his Seahawks win a Superbowl.

Though I wish he didn't have to leave behind his beloved family, it gives me great comfort to know he will be there to welcome my little sister home after this long fight with leukemia.

Just being the Joe Cool uncle that he has always been and will always continue to be.

There was as sweet tribute posted by his friend and colleague in North Dakota that made me smile (and cry) today.

His artwork can be seen at

Most importantly, his family can be helped through the following link:

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Compose -vs- HTML

When you write blog posts, you have a Compose tab and a HTML tab.

Compose is where you align things, make them look pretty and presentable.

The HTML tab has hidden code, meaning, isn't nearly as pretty and isn't seen by most.

My efforts are poor at putting actual pen to paper, so this is a manageable way for me to journal and document the goings on in our lives. It's fun to look back at the bound books of previous years of posting because it's true that you do forget, especially those seemingly small things that happen day to day.

It's probably also equally important to document the things in your life that aren't necessarily so fun and pretty.  I feel like I haven't been able to write the things that I need to document because if I write it, that makes it very real.

I have almost lost my mom twice in the past month. My brother needs surgery and cannot have it. My father in law has cancer and will be undergoing massive surgery next week. Today, I found out my little sister will be in hospice care shortly.

A co-worker asked me, "Do you ever just lose it?". The honest answer would be yes.

The tears and breakdowns are in the HTML of my life, but I'm trying my best to live in the Compose.


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Luck O The Irish

As a McMahon, I must honor my Irish heritage. Every St. Patrick's day, my boys receive a few green treats and a couple of green lottery scratch tickets.

This year, Jackson won $100 on his scratch ticket and JR won $25!

**At the time of this post, that $100 was almost spent on the $97 worth of gems that he purchased last night on an app with his Ipad. We have since changed the settings on his Ipad and worked with Apple support to mitigate most of that damage. They were actually quite wonderful about the whole thing.  It definitely wasn't good when we were leaving for church and I hear the spouse yelling down the stairs that I had better see what our youngest had been up to. He had checked his email and the multiple receipts sent via Paypal had arrived:  $21.67, $4.95, $21.67, $27.80, $4.95 and another $21.67. Cooler heads eventually prevailed, conversations were had and we made it to church....a few minutes late.**