My sister would have turned 30 today.
The only thing I remember about her being born is that she was born at UW. I was 12 years old and we lived in West Seattle at 5440 42nd Ave off of California Ave. I remembering looking over and she was in a laundry basket. She was itty bitty - maybe 4 pounds max.
She wasn't due until March and came so early. That was a gift - an extra six weeks with her on this Earth.
Happy Birthday Megs!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
My sister would have turned 30 today.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
I was trying to prepare my oldest son for the experience that is the DOL. You all know exactly what I'm talking about.
I tried checking the wait time online before we left to limit the experience. The wait time said 4 minutes, so I rushed everyone out of the house to take advantage.
In the end, the wait ended up being only about 15 minutes, but we had a lifetime of experiences packed in that glorious 15 minutes. A guy named Guillermo yelling at a DOL employee, calling him a racist (may I say the employee being yelled at was from El Salvador) and jumping in whatever line he felt like to rant and rave about the racist employee back at the entry of the DOL. It was an experience.
Despite above said experience, we did leave with a Drivers Permit in hand. Hopefully this was a motivation to perform well on future driving test so as to limit any time you may need to spend at the DOL again.
Fair warning people - my kid is on the road.
He's such a good boy. I neglected to previously mention that not only did he receive the award for Team Captain, he won the team To the Top Award. It was such an honor to see him receive the award. He continues to make me proud day after day. I just wish he'd stop growing up so quickly.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
The purpose of my blogging was to document & journal the lives of our family.
I have them bound into books by years.
Some days my boys will be able to look back over this and recall the things we did.
2014 threw me for a loop though. I felt like the every day was minuscule compared to the bigger things that were going on in our lives. I didn't want to continually write about those things for two reasons.
One - I didn't want people to land on this page and think geez, does she ever blog about anything else. Yes I realize that life carries on and there are good and great things in my life. But honestly, this is what consumes my minds and thoughts.
Two - I felt like a liar blogging about my every day life. It just seemed insignificant considering what we had been going through. How am I going to sit down and write about whatever the event of the day was when that's really NOT what is going through my brain. I didn't know how to share my real thoughts.
What was really going through my brain was the thought that the last thing my sister wanted to eat was apple slices from McDonalds, or how milky white her feet were when I rubbed them the night before she died, or why did the Firemen make her walk to the ambulance when she couldn't even breathe, or why one of her parents wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of her arrangements, or why some dumb lady felt it was her place to post to Facebook things about my sister that she did not even know to solicit sympathy, or who she was talking to in the room that I couldn't see moments before she died, or why certain people don't even acknowledge that my sister is gone or maybe even that NO I don't want to hear about what you were told someone looked like in your family when they died. These are the thoughts that cycle through my brain if I'm going to be honest.
Overall, really I would sit down to post something meaningful, then number one would make me pause and wonder if I should and number two would simply shut the book. I would just back away from any keyboard looking at a blank screen and be done.
How I feel can't really be typed up in a nice pretty little blog post anyway. It's not pretty and it doesn't come with a bow or pretty pictures. I can't explain it. It's just understood by others who have gone through the same thing. That is where I find comfort - in the people I don't have to explain one word of it too. They just get it.
Sometimes I feel like I have two lives. One is my life and the other are the thoughts behind it known only to me tucked deep inside my mind and heart.
I have found the hardest time for me is driving in my car by myself with music on. My mind wanders and sometimes I let it and other times I simply have to change the song because I just can't go there.
Over the past 210 days, I found myself measuring in Fridays. Friday was the day it happened. It was a beautiful morning, clear and sunny. As we left the ER, a bubbly and bright nurse said "have a great day!" She didn't know that we were leaving minus one and that it wasn't going to be a great day.
Maybe not for a long time.
Last night on the way home, I realized it was seven months to the date and yet another dreadful Friday. It was the first time in seven months I did not realize it was a Friday. I mentioned this to my husband late last night and he had not even realized that I had been doing this and was surprised by that. My only surprise was that I hadn't done it for the first time in seven months.
Maybe that's progress.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
I got this crazy idea about refurbishing old tv trays.
I completely underestimated the amount of time and cost it would take to refinish, but I'm pretty pleased with how they came out in the end.
Friday, September 5, 2014
I made the mistake (or maybe it wasn't in this case) of falling back asleep after I had woken up this morning.
I was groggy and stumbled into the shower. As I stepped out, I instantly remembered a dream I had just had in that 45 minute period of extra sleep.
I don't recall the circumstances, what we looked like or any of the details other than I had looked up and seen my sister.
I ran so fast at her and hugged her so hard she almost fell over backwards.
Then she laughed.
That's it. That's all I remember.
This was the first dream I have had of my sister since she died. I'm grateful for that tender mercy on a bookmark Friday.
It's hard to choke out without getting emotional, but I want it written down so I don't ever forget.
"You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you." - Tinker Bell
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
The past six months have been full of significant changes in our lives.
Today was no exception.
Our oldest started high school (at the same school his dad went to) and our youngest went back to his school that construction was finally completed on after burning down in February of 2013.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
I have really put off posting on here. Sometimes I feel like I need a blog for my life and another blog for my feelings. Those two things don't necessarily go hand in hand.
I disagree with the fact that this will get better in time. For me, it will never get better. I just have to change and adjust.
A friend at church lost her sweet son who was around the same age as my sister. I find comfort in her. I don't have to explain anything or even say anything because she just gets it and sometimes that is exactly what I need.
I lost my sister on a Friday and I find myself measuring in Fridays. I'm trying to find pleasure in the little things that come along. My sister left me an antique Coke cooler. It's rough and I finally put it in our bedroom on a small table I found at an antique store. I am using it to store keepsakes of her in. My sweet cousin texted me to show me what she had found at the gas station and randomly grabbed. That was last Friday. It made me smile as if my sister was glad where I had put that Coke cooler she loved.
I was looking through some papers tonight and came across this letter. My sister said "I love you very mush and I wish you didn't hat to go to college." I feel like wise. I love her very mush and wish she didn't hat to go away either.